They actually like this stuff! So it was this wonderful little springboard into history for them. And totally agreed on the book front. Its that shes finding she doesnt always like her dad. How Do You Resolve Conflict Between Your husband And Daughter? Then she tells me she doesnt wear that anymore and how come I didnt notice? Now Im just boring because Im too repetitive. July 2, 2013, 11:25 am. Well-intentioned, devoted partners of crazy-making people can become obsessed with trying to find the magic potion that will make their partners happy and appreciative of their efforts. My inner fan girl is all riled up now =). ). I mean freak out and force your kid to read something if they cant, not if you dont like that they choose to read Harry Potter in their free time. There are also a bunch of shows on the history channel or the science channel about science-fiction kind of stuff. No. Im peace-ing out. LWs daughter should definitely be involved with some enriching activities, but theres no harm at all in loving media. Or if shes interested in other fantasy series (ex. Or its hilarious I have seriously never watched football in my life, so I once got called on to do a touchdown dance. (Which is fine, I guess. When they are able to see the. WWS, and YOU need to stop pulling away from your husband, because he doesnt have the same interests as your daughter. , temperance Older and (hopefully) wiser Parent first, friend second. He may feel like he's being left out or that he isn't good enough for his daughter. Once they believe that true love need not be obligatory and that intimacy is not automatically correlated with entrapment, they are often eager to learn new ways to make their needs and fears knownand let love in. But my parents both made an effort to do lots of family things together, even if my brother and I didnt want to. Educational trivia game, reading articles and discussing them together or in a game format. I think I read this differently than Wendy. You and your husband are partners and your job is to guide your daughter lovingly into adulthood, giving her all the tools you can to be independent, strong, and self-assured. He is an adult and should act like one- his daughter will model her behavior off of his and what she is learning now is why bother respecting those with different interests. But I wouldnt have done any of those things if my parents let me do what I wanted whenever I wanted. You are the only one who knows whats best for you and your family. I would let him know that you are going to encourage her to hangout with him more, but he needs to also every once in a while do something she loves. We were forced to have shockingly good table manners and we shook hands with adults from the age of three. In reality, I think its probably somewhere between the two extremes and I think the LW has a chance to strengthen her bond with her husband and the bond between child and dad. I was just trying to illustrate (like Wendy did) to the LW that it can be amazing when a father with very different interests introduces a kid to something they may not otherwise have been introduced to, even forcefully to a degree. Keeping your cool under stress, responding as calmly as you can, and walking away when you find yourself unable to keep calm are completely within your power and help you claim the power in your home. And relinquish some of your time with her so that your husband can have a chance to nurture his own relationship with her. Plus, I like Rick Castle. it seems to . Maybe not the way it is being done (which Im not sure how that is) but it is possible to make it fun and even do it as a family. July 2, 2013, 4:06 pm. Interested in science? But believe it or not, a lot of my nerdy students do like Buffy quite a few of them go to conventions, and as far as I can tell, theyre just giant nerd festivals, so its actually kind of easy to encounter something that was popular 15 years ago because where there are nerds, there is Buffy. Most of them are women. July 3, 2013, 3:16 am. However, its wife that wrote in. I would just like to briefly brag about my dad and how were going to this awesome music festival together this summer!!! My free advice e-newsletter, Heroic Love, shows you how to avoid the common pitfalls that keep people from finding and keeping romantic love. When I surprised her with it, she told me that we dont have any friends and why would I think that shed want to waste a whole weekend in some hotel when we could be painting the bedroom and actually accomplishing something. Make it easier for him to be his best self. Hes got to find ways to connect his interests with hers. I agree with Wendy here. I cant think of a single interest that we shared from when I was a teenager that I didnt learn from him in some way. My dad would also try to do things we liked. Show interest in his interests. My stepfather and my mother told me I was weird and that Id regret it because Id never be popular or normal, or get boys to like me. Not while professing such love for me and genuinely remorseful when Im upset. I take little credit for how lucky I am. That time was never truly enjoyable, no matter how much I enjoyed myself because I just wasnt compatible with his personality. What To Do When My Husband Is Driving My Daughter Away? Maybe shell end up in the entertainment industry, or become a writer. Parents should be parents and kids should be kids. Tell you daughter its important she spend time with her dad and why. And his dad didnt want to hear anything about my husbands interests. oh, wait - his father wanted nothing to do with him for years. Learning about give and take in a relationship is very important for a 12 year old (who can often be very self-centered at that age) to know. My sister and I grew up reading scifi and fantasy. Within a year of this, my dad became abusive. Did I always do things he would agree with necessarily? My daughter and I are a lot like you and yours. The variables didnt add up, but you were determined to hang in there and solve the situation by wits and endurance. Obsessed with dolls? I dont think there is any one size fits all strategy. 2 weeks later his wife tried killing him, leaving him in the hospital for 3 months. Spyglassez If you want to bring about change in your family, though, you are going to have to get him to confront the fact that his behaviour is hurtful, destructive, and possibly even cruel. That doesnt mean she shouldnt modify her behavior, but her desire is understandable and its easy to lose sight of the bigger picture. So I think there is a bit of a content based bias at work in some of this stuff you were already doing worthwhile things, so his dismissal of them was, in addition to being mean/cruel, just plain wrong (as in incorrect/inaccurate.) Your days of Tigerbeat should be long tempered by now. Though unsettling, your partner was not boring. If youre experiencing any of these issues in your marriage, its important to talk to your daughter about how youre feeling and why youve decided to stay in the relationship despite being unhappy. only in his mind is one of the most well-written and saddest things ever produced on television. I always hated fishing growing up, but it meant that I got to spend time with my dad, so I went. The 2 Most Psychologically Incisive Films of 2022, The Surprising Role of Empathy in Traumatic Bonding, How a Stronger Body Can Transform Your Identity, Two Questions to Help You Spot a Clingy Partner-to-Be. July 2, 2013, 12:45 pm. July 2, 2013, 12:46 pm. Its important to remember that it is not always your fault if your partner and child dont get along. Our grandmother let us watch Bambi as a treat and I cried and cried, so my father responded by tricking me into eating venison the next week, and then as soon as I ate it all, telling me it was Bambis mother. I wanted to make a point about the use of the word uninformed. Saying later that night will you ask the spagetti head to pass the salt IS making fun of their child and it is healthy. All other things aside, Im actually a fan of those assignments. I guess I dont know exactly how he does it, but in our house we have things like that but with politics/government because I believe it is truly important to understand our government, how it works, how it doesnt work, and how our beliefs affect our views. Um, Im in my twenties and all my friends like these things. They have their own part to play in the healing of the relationship. Otherwise, how are kids going to learn tolaugh at themselves? , so i guess it cuts both ways. I think your daughter will be too, if you listen to Wendy. His GP should be able to refer him to an appropriate local counsellor or he could contact the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (bacp.co.uk). (This led me to be labeled as the quitter.) And we always managed to have fun and more than a few laughs. A talk with your husband about encouraging ALL of her interests (NOT belittling them) and being her own person is crucial at this age. The LWs husband sounds like my father. Seriously, this guy is an asshole. I enjoyed it so much, I went both mornings. She doesnt want counseling, but maybe parenting classes? He is clearly not getting the message. I would go on drives to see the eagles, fished, endured Cardinal games and college basketball games. You always give good advice (duh!) A highly critical parent or parents, resulting in a high sensitivity to being judged on performance. I dont care if he thinks her shows are boring his wife and daughter deserve respect. July 2, 2013, 12:06 pm. my husband is mean to my daughter Iesha Mulla Iesha is a loving mother of 2 beautiful children. However, he is an adult and should know that assignments will not help them grow close. Try to find something that they can both enjoy, maybe small doses of togetherness at first. I hated being around my father because it was constant criticism about my interests, which frankly, felt very personal because I was deficient for not being what he wanted. Both parents have to work on appreciating her interests and her, while asking her to explore theirs as well. Isnt there something vampiry that could also lead to a talk about scifi which leads to something the dad may like!?! The LW should do some serious work in building the bond, and working on her marriage, but I would make sure that the dad is putting in just as much effort. (Okay, okay, I am projecting here, but again, I had way too many friends who were all way to into Buffy back in the day. Also, seriously, have you been on Tumblr? Her daughter should stop liking it just because her mother likes it. I dont see the comparison between telling a small child about healthy eating habits and forcing them to eat veggies and this situation. It was always classic rock radio in the car, and at home he usually had some background music going, often from his own enormous collection of CDs that included everything from classic rock to blues to zydeco. Get out the frying pan. Yes, I know firsthand how much some Buffy fans just need to shut up about that blasted show. The mother is at a loss as to why her husband is driving her daughter away, but she has a few theories. And my fingers are still crossed for you , kerrycontrary This young girl sounds like shes already quite cultured! By contrast, my dad wanted me to play softball and had no interest in the books I used to read. lbh based on the LWs description do you really think this is the same as your experience? I recall all too well how some can turn every god damn conversation into a deep Buffy exploration So, yes. The way hes acting could be a response to feeling alienated, Im sure, but right now it seems hes trying to run a bit of tyrannical household (with the assignments, & the verboten music and television). This mother needs to chill out a bit. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'therelationshipnotes_com-medrectangle-3','ezslot_1',103,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-medrectangle-3-0'); My daughter seems to resent my husband, and my husband just doesnt seem to know how to connect with her. But you can help your daughter learn to cope with her feelings and manage her relationship with her father. Or are they just not able to love without losing themselves? When I was a kid, my mom was always kind of a dick about going to see my dads family, so it was usually just him and me. If he doesnt mind, that would probably be a good show of support to begin with. June 30, 2022 by Team The Relationship Notes. He showed me culture, gave me an enjoyment of the arts and it was one on one time that was genuine. I consider myself mature and intelligent, yet Ill still watch mindless shit sometimes. But as a kid/teen, I wanted him to play. One teenager in the house is bad enough But TWO must be exhausting. For instance my freshman daughter doesn't have a cellphone yet. I know you said you dont want to hear about counseling and your problem isnt communication, but really? She may not have attended every softball game, but she never missed a dance recital or play, and always made sure I had a clean uniform for those softball games and a snack to take with me. Actually, my husbands a pretty big fanboy in general. lets_be_honest I do also believe that your husband really does need to at least embrace a couple of her interest if he wants her to embrace the things he likes. My husband has driven our children away with his dictatorial behaviour 04 May, 2019 01:00 You need to be gentle but honest with your friend about her crush MY HUSBAND is not an emotional. The dad needs to get over his superiority complex and then the daughter might stop pulling away. I agree with you, again. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendship, depression, sex, consent, what I'm watching, what I'm reading, Black Agate, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at [email protected]. July 2, 2013, 11:17 am, Skyblossom He would watch Full House or something with us. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. I would have been crushed if he rolled his eyes when I was excitedly talking about something. I finally watched Firefly for the first time last night with my bf who has been begging me to watch it with him. My husband her step-dad has Always been supportive financially to both my children and loves them like his own. Instead of a camping trip they could go for a bike ride together, with a friend, or walk a trail in a local park. Encourage her to have fun with him. And its his behavior that is the problem and his behavior that needs to change here. Can Humans Detect Text by AI Chatbot GPT? Being My Husbands Caregiver is Exhausting. We all died laughing. Ive been there. Everyone can have a relaxing hobby. Seriously. It is as if some hidden combination of childhood trauma and life experience made them terrified to owe their partners anything. How does an interest in science and creativity equal boring? Hed had a lot to drink and wanted sex right then. Asshole My son had his wedding days ago. Lily in NYC Some people say yes, a parent should love their child more than their spouse. She played Meribor (spelling.) Sad. He rolls his eyes not at her accomplishments, but her timewasters A rather big difference. I really think if said in the right context, you can support both your husband and your daughter. If anything, his dislike for it will help it belong to her more fully as she learns to separate herself from her parents. :: If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to [email protected] for advice. I fell in love with football and cooking and baseball, which were things he loved. bitter_straight_lets_be_honest and your journey to the darkside shall be complete, lets_be_honest Thats unfortunate (to say the least! Twelve year old take everything personally, so if hes saying I hate your favorite book, its so annoying, shes probably hearing, Youre stupid for liking that, even when its not what he means. lets_be_honest So, based on my experience, its not helpful to your daughter to make it you against him. Though of course, there are ways to encourage a daughter to experience some parts of being a teenage girl which also are good (like trying to get them to go to at least one sporting event in high school if they have someone to go with, trying to get them to ask one person out on a date, to invite one person over to hang out, etc.) July 2, 2013, 12:07 pm. July 2, 2013, 4:01 pm. Too little time to post! Either the Dads behavior is bad enough that she needs to draw a line and tell him to stop with the eye-rolling and turning off the TV for no good reason; or it isnt and she needs to prioritize her marriage and get back to being team parent. Moreover, his interests could actually I dunno help make her a more well rounded person. WTF youre her mother not her BFF get it together and help your husband round her out! What music you like or books you read is a matter of personal preference, and really its rude to mock people for their personal taste just because it doesnt align with yours unless theres racism or violence or something. If you are involved with a crazy-making partner, dont think youre alone. More of a this is silly than yall are stupid eye roll. Though they might not always like what they hear or see, they are not typically faced with unexpected surprises or unpredictable outcomes. I understand how you might be torn how easy it might be to embrace every second you have with her when you know all too soon, shell outgrow her fangirl stage, or at the very least, embrace additional teen-related obsessions, thereby reducing the time she cares to spend with you, and then soon after shell be leaving you and heading off for adventures of her own, away from you and her dad. Liquid Luck bittergaymark My point is that he is sort of entitled to have a threshold of finding the interests of a 12 year old girl annoying. You probably had no idea you were getting into this no-win relationship when it began. . I would suggest planning outings for just your husband and your daughter maybe to an arcade, out to a movie, mini golf,etc so that they can spend time together by themselves. But you know what? Oh and get this, occasionally, I orchestrate it so hes not the asshole no-fun mr knitknots type, and I do unfun things, like make her come serve soup at a homeless kitchen or walk dogs at the SPCA or help our elderly neighbour do various stuff. Randi Gunther, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist and marriage counselor practicing in Southern California. Tell you husband to ease up a little bit. Additionally, she may worry that a new man in your life will try to take his place and replace him entirely. Generally, Ive found that geeky fandoms have more respect for and interest in learning than, say, those who follow the Kardashians would. Seriously though, Joss Whedon writes amazing TV his shows are some of the best the medium has to offer. July 2, 2013, 12:15 pm. And who knows how their relationship might blossom if you and your husband would only make nurturing it more of a priority. Shes pulling away because hes hypercritical of her AND their daughter. He is honest, reliable, and sincere. But no amount of time spent is going to make an experience with someone who doesnt really respect you as you are more enjoyable. He is also very critical of both of US I was an athlete and a complete girly girl (still am), so my dad got his sports buddy and princess in one child my sister was not into sports or girly things. Find a common ground youve got to. I generally agree with Wendy, but would add that LW should talk to her husband about the critical view hes taking of his daughters hobbies, the escalating fights between him and the daughter and his way of interrupting conversations between LW and her daughter that annoy him. July 2, 2013, 4:12 pm, See, I think that is horrible of your stepfather. Im just saying that indicates very little to me. My fave was Joey for the record. Id even argue that as the adult here, he should be putting in more of an effort to accept her for who she is and take an interest in what she likes, instead of the other way around. It gives them a model for their own m, kerrycontrary Being a parent is more about shaping your child to be secure, well adjusted, happy (etc!!) Yikes, I shouldve known better than to comment on a cult show Sorry! He also occasionally went to movies with us. Weird. I used to whine like crazy when my dad tried to teach me about cars or home improvement, or talk about politics. I went through an accapella phase and a disney phase and a pop punk phase, a Growing pains phase, and on and on, and he rolled his eyes and helped me set the VCR, but wasnt willing to watch it. Try to get him to nix the assignments things (because, I mean, UGH) and remind him that shes only TWELVEshell eventually grow out of the fangirldom. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[320,100],'therelationshipnotes_com-leader-3','ezslot_14',135,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-leader-3-0');Here are some things you can do: Its not always easy to find the right balance between your spouse and your child, but it is possible. Ha! This breed of intimate relationship dweller does the opposite of maintaining a sane interpersonal environment. A father-daughter relationship is one of the most important relationships a girl can have. One of her friends had already seen the series and the others wanted to come over and watch the show on Netflix. It should be a crime to roll your eyes at Buffy. MY HUSBAND is not an emotional man and has always found it difficult to talk about how he feels. But he can be a great dad regardless. Heck, I even had a stringer attached to my waders. Try to get him to understand that all he has done so far is push away those people that he probably cares about the most his wife and children. My father only wanted sons, so he decided that his daughters were going to get into sports, hunting, home repair television shows and walks in the woods. July 15, 2013, 3:10 pm. July 2, 2013, 12:43 pm, Shes 12 at what age are you supposed to be more able to enjoy mindless pop culture!?! Be happy that your daughter has a father who wants to be involved in her life. So, here is the thing. Her husband could be one of those people. Shes all the better for it. So because you think something is a timewaster you get to mock people for their interests at 12. It was nothing but glassy-eyed stares and yawning. Who knows? He never rolled his eyes at me or made me feel less because of what I liked. That made me feel really loved and gave me a sense of confidence that is so, so important in a young girl (well, anyone, really). Im not gonna say that those novels were the sole reason she and I both ended up with lucrative and fulfilling careers in the hard sciences, or the sole reason why were both great writers and communicators, or the sole reason we didnt have to pay for college (we both got full scholarships). Or, find the show about the science of Star Trek. If youre finding that your husband and daughter dont seem to be getting along, it can be a difficult situation to deal with. Im sure its frustrating for him, I just think hes reacting in a jerk-ish way. findingtheearth Its not cool that Dad is rolling his eyes at his daughters interests and hobbies. In this blog post, we will explore some strategies for resolving conflict between a parent and their partners children. lets_be_honest Spyglassez I had NO IDEA what that was, so I did the can-can. And yeh I hated going to home depot with my dad but I know a lot more about home maintenance than some people. But talking about that kind of shit non-stop is just BORING. How many parents have to watch a certain movie a million times or have to listen to a certain band on repeat. A little . Asking. We and our partners use data for Personalised ads and content, ad and content measurement, audience insights and product development. Instead of, I want you to read this by this day, and then well have a talk, how about, I found this and thought it was interesting. I think compromise and parental teamwork will go a long way here. But if youre saying that getting the daughter into these things was some deliberate, malicious move on the part of the mother, I doubt that. We were so thrilled. Thinks hes hilarious). You might have started asking yourself, Is this person taunting me on purpose? July 2, 2013, 11:56 am. Did I love that stuff? Eventually I grew up and learned to appreciate these things, and I can look back and say wow, my dad was so great and modeled the type of behavior I should show. Also, my father took me to the new Disney movie every year. She can only control her own behaviour, which is why Wendy is addressing hers and not his. Not knowing who the Beatles were, I thought it was something ABOUT beetles, and asked them Is it interesting? . lets_be_honest Maybe even consider making those things, like hiking or whatever, family events, so that its not a choice between a fun thing with mom and a thing she doesnt like as much with dad. Ya know what happens when Mom encourages the relationship and Dad continues to belittle the kid? I just happened to end up having a pretty great kid, and a pretty great guy. You have to admit, its kind of fun catching and reeling in the fish. Awesome show full of information. If he simply refuses to see that there is a problem and you continue to feel miserable, I suggest you consider talking things through with a Relate counsellor (relate.org.uk). Fruits and veggies are healthier than potato chips thats a fact. I get that maybe he feels like an alien within you & daughters girl bubble, but the way to fix that is not to strong-arm her into liking National Geographic. So, encourage her to spend time with him. Not seeing their daughters as people who can make good decisions. Im also coming from a place where I 100% agree with Wendy that her interests could also change next month or next year so its more about tone/approach/attitude than actual activities. July 2, 2013, 11:15 am. He thinks it's ridiculous. And of course. If he hadnt put in the time when I was a kid, I doubt wed have that relationship. One of these people is an adult and one of these people is twelve. My parents listened to Oldies. . I think This Old House was all overbut only we know Miss Judy. He said he wasnt hungry and why would I think hed want to eat after a rotten day? We have a 1-year-old daughter together. Ostensibly through her mother. It may take years and years before the pay-off is apparent. July 3, 2013, 1:09 am, If the Mom is copying her daughters interests with such a vengeance its even more creepy. So, I have actually always been closer with my dad to be honest. I just told her she wasnt allowed to ramble off all the names of plants/flowers unless I specifically ask as I really dont care (it would be like me telling her sports stats all day). "I cant win for losing. July 2, 2013, 12:31 pm, Happy birthday to your mom! Plus, I gotta say, I dont love ripping into the mom for being Greedy , when it is understandable to want to foster such clearly shared interests with her daughter. Hah! After all, they are two different people with two different perspectives. Also, this is tangential, but Im always amused/annoyed when people are criticized for being geeks but if the topic at hand were sports, no one would say a thing. Definitely. Is there a middle ground? Respect is the bedrock of any family and you need family members to respect each other, the belongings of each other and the interests of each other. He likes baseball, but he doesnt want to go to games, he likes golf, but he doesnt ever go, he likes history, but he doesnt really like books, hell watch something about the JFK assassination if its on the history channel but cant be bothered to pop in a DVDgift giving, really, is impossible, as is spending time with him that doesnt involve eating. How the States Got Their Shapes for one. Haha! I read baby sitter club books and was part of the official fan club. This can be a normal and healthy part of adolescence, but it can also be painful for parents who feel like they are losing the close relationship they once had with their child. Are they harboring some passive/aggressive need to prove that love wont last and unconsciously sabotaging every chance that it could? Trust that Mark would have PLENTY to say if someone wrote in replacing Buffy with sports. Man, thinking about those early teenage years still strikes a nerve. No. What kind of history and science is your husband into? You became a drudge, in spite of him being a great guy and loving you madlybecause. Okay, maybe I wouldnt want my 12 to read that) they could go to a history museum that has exhibits about the War of the Tudors that partially inspired the novels. So is telling your daughter that the things she listens to or your conversations are annoying. I see her occasionally, but she never stays long if her father is around. Saying they were weird made me feel like the lesser for having been touched by their stories. Just saying that I dont consider Buffy the Vampire Slayer a mature, intelligent show. I second this. My Husband Is An Angry Parent And I Hate It. July 2, 2013, 12:28 pm. I reminded him that he likes sex better in the morning and he called me frigid and slept on the couch. My mom put me in ballet because she thought it would be cute, which was fine, but I wish theyd made me do a sport for a while or a musical instrument. She's madly in love with him but it seems he's no nearer to noticing her feelings than he was when she started. Also have to add that her father probably doesnt realize it, but at that age I felt like criticism of what I took an interest in was equal to criticism of myself. Lastly, I'm so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide . And like I said above, I like the idea of assignments to widen your daughters horizons.